FINDING herself suddenly single at 41, Liz* soon discovered the men she liked best were the ones who were attached. She shares her story.
My first experience with a married man wasn't a good one. I could tell he was a seasoned cheater. A sales rep in his early 40s with a baby, he warned me not to get attached and told me I should get myself a boyfriend too. He said he knew a hit man, should I ever tell his wife about us (he was joking, but the long silence at the end of his sentence made me nervous). The problem was, I wasn't used to dating married men so, of course, I fell in love. I stayed in, waiting for his next visit, stopped making an effort with other men and convinced myself he'd soon see the error of his ways and fall in love with me.
We were in a Sydney hotel bed when he called his wife to tell her his flight from Perth had been delayed and he had to stay another night. The smirk on his face as he lied to that poor woman dealing with a screaming baby, plus the fact he didn't treat me all that well either, made me realized he wasn't a nice person - and neither was I. It was the last time I saw him.
That was more than 12 years ago. Since then, I've been married and had twin girls. But when my husband and I separated amicably two years ago, suddenly, at 41, I was back on the singles scene.
Not much had changed since dating in my 20s. There was no shortage of men. But this time the ones who were single were unattached for a reason - they were either super-keen or super-scared.
One lover began to leave a spare set of clothes in my wardrobe and started mentioning marriage after we'd been dating for three months. When another one, aged 48 (let's call him Peter Pan), stayed over once, I woke up at 2.30am to the sound of his phone ringing. "It's just a girl I'm sleeping with," he shrugged when I asked him who it was.
Then I met Matthew*. We bonded over lattes at a local cafe and a nice relationship blossomed. He'd call me for a chat and email me at work to see how my day was going. We became very close, very quickly.
There was one hitch. After our third date, Matthew told me he belonged to another woman. I tried to hide my disappointment, but I wasn't really surprised. Matthew was lovely - of course he'd been snapped up. But I knew I'd rather have married Matthew than no Matthew at all.
He claimed he was happily married. "She ticks most of the boxes," he'd say about his wife. He was never going to leave her for me - they were even trying to have a baby - and I could handle that.
Matthew became the best boyfriend I'd ever had. He'd send me photos of the sunrise from his harbourside apartment in the mornings. He'd do odd jobs around my house or take my car to be serviced. Every Tuesday night, he'd come over for dinner and sex. He was never disrespectful towards me, he never let me down and he always called when he said he would.
Matthew rarely discussed his wife. I was desperate for details: what did she look like? Was she prettier than me? But he didn't like talking about her. And, really, she was irrelevant to our relationship - although I doubt I was irrelevant to hers. After a year or so, Matthew and his wife moved away and our relationship naturally came to an end.
A few months later, I met someone new and it turned out he was married, too. I don't actively seek out men with wives, but it's one of the first questions I ask. Nine times out of 10, the answer is yes, they're married, but at least I know I'm likely to be treated with respect. I don't know why they're attracted to me. Maybe it's because I've already had kids, I'm not looking for a wedding ring or out to get their money. I'm uncomplicated. There are plenty of single men hovering around, too, but I haven't met many I'm interested in dating.
Once again, this guy had impeccable manners. He was generous and honest - well, with me, anyway. If he went on a business trip, he'd spend half his time on the phone to me. If he had a bad meeting, he'd ring me for support. I was always the one he'd call first. We still see each other when it's possible - precious moments here and there. That's enough for me at this stage in my life.
I don't care that my title is 'mistress', not 'girlfriend'. I'm never left waiting by the phone. I know I'll always have good sex to look forward to. I'm taken to the best restaurants. Sometimes it hurts when they go home at the end of the day, but I never have to listen to them snoring, clean up after them or endure them at their worst.
I know what you're thinking: what about the sisterhood? That I'm a selfish woman who goes around stealing other women's husbands. Actually, no. I'd never have an affair with a girlfriend's partner. And I'd never pries a man away from his wife. They may make great lovers, but I didn't say they'd make great husbands.
These men are usually starved of love, affection and attention - and you can't blame me for that. Remember, I was married once, too. I know how easy it is to slot into the kids, work, washing, dinnertime, bed routine. And let's face it, marriage is a dull slog sometimes. I used to jokingly say I wished my husband would have an affair so I wouldn't have to have sex with him myself.
Somehow I've become the woman these men come to. I attract them - or I'm attracted to them. Either way, dating them works for me, and it works for them. I want my freedom, but I also want all the nice things a relationship can offer. That's why I'm sticking with married men - at least for now.
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